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Showing posts from May, 2013

Number 2 Man In Pakistani Taliban Droned!

The Number 2 man in charge of the Pakistani Taliban was turned into number 2 when he was obliterated by a US Unmanned drone. Wali-ur-Rehmanhad

had been poised to take over leadership of the group until the drone's missile found him perfectly poised for extinction in the region of  North Waziristan. He was accompanied in his journey here, there and everywhere by 7 of his wonderful friends and comrades.
Good job US Military. You guys and gals are the best

Mayor Of Toronto Denies Being Crack Adict

The mayor of Toronto Canada gave a press conference to deny he was a crack addict. Cell phone videos purport to show the mayor smoking from a glass pipe. The mayor categorically every having used crack and stated he is definitely not a crack addict. I tend to believe him.
As for me I tend to believe him although there is some suspicion when it comes to milk shakes, hot dogs and ice-cream sundaes.

Michelle Bachman Says Will Not Run For Re-election

Republican Representative Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota states she will not run for re-election to Congress. Ms. Bachmann, who first caught the eye of the GOP when she correctly answered two of the hardest questions at a "Are You Smarter Enough For The GOP" contest in Birmingham, Alabama  when she correctly answered that "White" was indeed the color of Washington's White Horse and that it was Grant who is buried at Grants Tomb, told reporters the whole process of running for Congress was so exhausting that at her age she was not sure she could do it. When an NBC junior reporter asked what her plans for the future were she responded "I intend to still lead as a Congresswoman". When the reporter, looking somewhat perplexed reminded her that she just said she would not run for Congress again, she responded " That's correct, I don't intend to run. I intend to get a pair of nice fitting sandals and walk for Congress". No further question…

Coronavirus (MRSCoV) Claims Life Of Frenchman

The novel coronavirus, aka MERS-CoV has claimed  the life of a Frenchman who contracted the  virus while visiting Saudi Arabia. He also passed on the infection to his roommate at the hospital he was being treated at. No word on the condition of the roommate as of yet. So far of the 40 confirmed infections there  have been 20 deaths. A 50% mortality rate. horrifying!
In earlier times, prior to travel by train and especially train such a disease could take many months to reach across oceans and infect those far away. Not anymore. Someone who has just contracted the virus but is not showing any symptoms can hop a flight and be in many different countries in hours before becoming sick infecting everyone along the line. As another example, look at Haiti where conditions are still a whole level below horrible following the 2010 earthquake (I was there following the earthquake. Conditions in Hell must not be  much worse). Just imagine over a million people still living in  tents wallowing in…

Coronavirus Makes Front Page Of CNN Website. People Starting To Take Notice

It appears the world is starting to take notice of the novel coronavisus or as it has been named MERS- CoV. this is a virus that belongs to the same family as the virus that causes the common cold with a difference: the common cold doesn't kill 50% of the people it infects. The virus attacks the respiratory system leading to severe lung injury, shock, kidney failure and, in many cases , death. Most of the cases have been reported in Saudi Arabia. There has been at least 2 cases where the virus has been passed from human to human; 2 hospital employees caught it from a patient in Saudi Arabia and the roommate of a man infected in Saudi Arabia with the disease.
This is looking to be an extremely bad winter coming up. Once the cold forces everyone inside to  escape the freezing temperatures you will see cases of this virus and the H7N9 Avian Flu begin to skyrocket. And add along the yearly flu virus the catastrophic potential of worldwide sickness and possible death become a reality. …

A terrible Position And a Wonderful Friend

There once was this gentleman who was so full of fright one night that neither sleep nor being awake offered any comfort.you see he had no money to buy food for his family. He was afraid that if he went to sleep he was sure to be awakened by the baby's cries for food. He was also afraid to stay awake because every moment he expected to hear the baby's cries for food. So he reached out to a friend, a friend he has known for a long time. He told her of the difficult position he was in and how frightened he was at the moment. She responded with what amounted to an order, "Meet me by the Shell station at 8 A.M. we're going shopping". At a loss for words the man meekly whispered "thank you" and sat down in the chair and spent 7 hours watching the clock and praying his child did not wake from hunger. After 7 excruciating hours she called to say she was by the bridge and would be at the meeting point in 5 minutes. The man, who initially was going to go alone, …

"The Power Of Positive Thinking" One Of The Greatest Books Ever Written

I write to express an opinion, to make a point or just to make a joke. i'm certainly not a book reviewer but I urge everyone out there who reads this to get a copy of Norman Vincent Peale's " The Power of Positive Thinking". Written by Peale, a Minister it stayed on the New York Times best seller list for 186 consecutive weeks. Peale has helped millions with this book come to terms with such useless emotions as ungrounded fear, inferiority complexes, breaking free from worry, how to get people to like you, etc... It is not filledd with techno-jargon and doesn't try to make a Polly Anna out of you. It is a book on how to live a much happier, content life starting right now. So why don't you give him a try?

Britain and France To Arm Syrian Rebels

Britain and France will begin to send arms to rebels in their fight to overthrow the Syrian government. London and Paris have been badgering the European Union to supply arms to the rebels for months but were rebuffed by other EU members.Rebel leaders were said to be overjoyed to begin receiving Surface -to Air- missiles, machine guns, c4 explosives with one rebel leader saying " This is just the break we have been looking for to topple the Assad regime. Thank you London, thank you France".

In other news Al-Nusra,a jihadist group fighting to topple the Syrian government today pledged their allegiance to al-Qaeda.
Stated one of Al-Nusra's top generals "Today we join forces with al-Qaeda to topple the Assad regime. If only we had the military arms we could not only bring down Assad but teach Israel and the Americans a thing or two".


Vatican Reaffirms Atheists Will Still Be Sent To Hell

Pope Frances narrowly escaped being injured by a lightening bolt when he said "Atheists who do good deeds will be redeemed By Jesus". Vatican officials, given the word by the REALLY big man up there were quick to reaffirm that rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists who believe in God will still be fast tracked to Heaven while atheists, even those who do good every single day of their lives will burn in Hell for eternity to the express enjoyment of those mentioned above.
Funny, remember Paulie from the Soprano's, who must have whacked 20 people complaining to the parish priest about giving so much money to the church and now Christopher has an out of body experience and tells him their both going …

Trump Researchinng Run For 2016 Presidential Election

Donald Trump, paper billionaire and host of the TV show "The Apprentice" has spent a million dollars researching a run for the presidency in 2016. The loud-mouthed egoist extraordinaire, who has been appearing uninvited at more and more Republican events told this to a New York newspaper "everywhere I go people ask me to run for president, please, please run for president in 2016". It just goes to show what an egotistical moron this guy is that he can't see that all those who are begging him to run on the Republican ticket are Democrats! That's right ladies and gentleman, Democrats!. And why would  that be so? Because of the well know fact that the majority of Americans think he's nothing other than an arrogant bastard who they wouldn't want to pass on the street much less lead the United States. So the Democratic strategy is is to play up to Trump's vanity, have him take the Republican primary. That way the Democrats could put up anybody agains…

Teacher Quits Job To Become Rapper

English teacher Mark Grist has quit teaching to pursue a rap career after beating a 17 year old at a rap contest. Mr. Grist beat 17 year old MC Blizzard with the following rap:
Your face is very hairy
Looks like my sister's canary
Yo mama smells like a shit
Yo sister I would not hit
If I hadn't had a women
Since John Gotti's Last Big Hit.
Yo rap is as stupid
As yo mama's bush is putrid
You say that you can rap
But  you so ugly you couldn't catch the clap
This was just part of the winning rhyme that went on for twenty-six further stanzas. Mr.Grist hopes to team up with Dr.Dre and Snoop Dog in the future. Says Mr. Grist "Yo ain't spent good times till you hears my rhymes"


Hand Sanitizer Leading To Alcohol Poisoning In Teens

Teens across the nation have found that the small type on bottles of hand sanitizer that reads "62% alcohol" really means 62% alcohol or 120 proof. School officials became suspicious after most of their filthiest students began to become preoccupied  with catching virus and repeatedly asked, sometimes 15 times a day to be excused so they could go to the hallway and sanitize their hands. Many would come back seemingly refreshed and smirking. "We have seen more instances of children ingesting hand sanitizer than we have seen of LSD being passed around on chewing gum paper". School officials are at a loss of what to replace the sanitizers with. One official brought up the idea to replace them with bottles of beer which contain only 6% alcohol. At least one school district in Tupelo, Kansas is considering the idea.


Teacher To Be Fired For Informing Students Of Their Rights

Hey, Marc Levine I found a case of tyranny for ya. John Dryden of Batavia, Ill, a high school teacher faces dismissal for informing his students about their 5th Amendment right against self incrimination just before they were to answer a series of questions regarding personal use of alcohol and drugs.Officials at the school say that teaching is good but to inform American citizens of their basic human rights, beyond the 2nd Amendment is to a great extent, anti-American. Said School Superintendent John Doh " What's next, teach them about their  rights against such things as habeus corpus, and illegal search and seizure? Their Miranda Rights? My God, there won't be a prison operating at full capacity in the entire country!" Mr.. Dryden will be tried in a civil court on June 12th. He will be represented by Clarence Darrow who rose from his grave when he heard of the story.


Japan Says No Ghost at Prime Minister's Residense

The paranormal world is abuzz with talk that the residence of the Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe is haunted. Rumors that the residence, which was the scene of an assassination in the 1930's, have taken on a new life, driven by the fact that the Prime Minister has not moved into the residence since he became PM six months ago.
An unidentified senior government official for the PM states it's not ghosts that are the problem but the state in which the former residents left it, "The place looks like a hoarders paradise" the official complained, " they threw nothing out. There are boxes on boxes of newspapers, most with Pres. Bush and Reagan on the covers; and cats, Budda! there must be 200 cats in the place. It's been said that neighbors haven't been able to open their windows in years because of the stench.". The problem, the official stated was a delay in getting waste management company to come and clean the place. The only one that would touch t…

Man Refuses Back Surgery. His Astounding Excuse

Jim Bloodwell has spent the past twenty-seven years unable to stand straight but bent forward at a 43 degree angle following an accident at work when a 400 pound rump of beef knock him off his feet while working the packaging line at ACME MEAT Packing. Seems  his partner in line forget to yell out "Here she comes!". Mr. Bloodwell was in traction for over a month until he was released from the hospital. It was then that Mr. Bloodwell found that he had more of a bend in him than a spoon worked on by Uri Gellar. For a while Mr. Bloodwell went through the usual emotions of anger, sadness, embarrassment and anger. then one day he picked up a book that changed his life. "The Power of Positive Thinking". Reading this book changed his life. Every day he would look for something that he knew was just within reach. He smiled, he whistled, he strolled down the street at his untoward angle in search of that certain something he knew was going to change his life. And then one d…

Research Shows Swedes Having Les Sex Thna In The 90's

Researchers where  stumped to find out why Swedes were having less sex now than they were having in the 1990's. They checked and rechecked their data, they took soil samples, they  took blood samples, sampled how much television couples watched each night. They tried a thousand and one samples until one night James Olinville, the research facilities janitor overheard the group of scientists arguing back and forth about what the causes could be. He cleared his throat, the room grew quiet for a moment and he said "them people in the 90's are like 20 years older now. Maybe they just tired or got too fat". Scientists, astounded by the latent intelligence possessed by the janitor immediately decreed an honorary PhD on him and gave him a raise of 37 cents an hour and brought him a new broom and mop.




Largest Python Ever Killed In Florida . Multiple Mysteries Solved

Officials were astounded when a Florida man found and killed an 18 foot python, the largest snake ever captured in Florida. But they were in for an even bigger shock when DNA from  Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and Judge Crater were found in the animals stomach. Said Jeff Wonk, medical examiner " I'm more confused than a liberal trying to read the Constitution  to find what I found in that damn snake".

Tragically, the two people showed in the above picture have not been identified.



Traffic Around Mid-Town Manhattan Improves 80%.Homeless Drunk Directs Traffic

New York City officials, who had been patting themselves on the back after research showed traffic improved up to 80 percent in Mid-Manhattan were shocked to find out the real reason traffic improved so well. It seems that it was because of a homeless man, drunk on top of it who decided to try his hand at being a traffic cop. He wore an agency vest and directed traffic outside a bus depot on 37th Street on the West Side of Manhattan.

Hector Santiago's role as voluntary traffic cop was uncovered following an extensive investigation by NBC after they observed him directing cars down wrong way streets, telling motorists he didn't like to "Kiss this" and constantly urinating in the street while drinking from a brown bag. Mr. Santiago countered that he was doing "Gods work since the traffic was all screwed up and the drivers looked so miserable". Red face police officials said they didn't notice anything wrong and that they were just happy that traffic seeme…

The Conservative Benghazi Blitz:"We got no body for 2016"

There is a reason the conservative wing of American politics is jumping on Benghazi as if it was the greatest political cover up since Bill Clinton pulled up his zipper. It's because they have no one to run in 2016 that can even come close to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Rubio? Please! Ryan? Was cup holder for Mitt "Duh" Romney in 2012, Chris Christie of New Jersey might have had a chance but by being a decent human being and showing respect for the president after the Hurricane Sandy disaster the conservatives see him as a traitor and wouldn't shed a tear if he got caught in an undertow at the Jersey Shore and was swept out to sea never to be seen again. Hillary is going to get the female vote, the liberal vote, the gay vote, the Jewish vote, the Democratic vote, etc... The only vote she won't get are America's 3 or so million chicken pluckers, Klansman and Tea Party members. "The president didn't call it a terrorist attack" is the rallying cry for…

Activists Protest That Planned High-Rise Could Disturb the Dead

The planned building of a high-rise close to a church could disturb the dead, according to about 50 activists protesting the planned project.
Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for the dead. Some of my best friends are dead; but there's just one thing: How the hell can you disturb someone who is already dead? What are we  supposed to think, that the dead stay laying there on their backs for centuries just looking up at the top of their caskets? If that's the case I bet they'd welcome the move. Imagine laying in one position in bed all night, just one night, unable to turn to the left or the right or sleep on your stomach. These people would put themselves to better use by visiting a local ASPCA and petting an abandoned dog for a few hours.




Ms. Lerner Of The IRS Took What?????????????

IRS  director of exempt operations Lois Lerner spent 6 hours today at a congressional hearing today to answer questions relating to the IRS' targeting willful targeting of conservative groups in effort to revoke their tax-exempt status.
But that's not the story, by god no. You see this woman did not invoke the number 2 horse at Aqueduct or the number 3 horse at Yonkers! This woman, who I quote "  "I have not done anything wrong. I have not broken any laws. I have not violated any IRS rules and regulations and I have not provided false information to this or any other congressional committee." Lerner said, adding that she refused to "answer any questions or testify about the subject matter of this committee's meeting.", invoked her 5th Amendment Right against self incrimination! C an you believe that? Try some poor fucking kid on 125st  try that shit and see what happens to him. I may be the dumbest bastard on  earth but I cannot believe a repre…

Army Sargent Accussed Of Videotaping Two Female Soldiers In Latrine

An army sergeant stationed at West Point  has been charged with taping two female cadets while they were using the latrine.
OK now. Lets get past all the psychosocial, the sexual deviancy, the quest for power, all that BS and lets ask the first question? As men we all know what comes out of us, right? Well the same damn thing comes out of them! Would you like a video of my fat ass using the latrine after eating at Chun's $4.99 all you can eat Chinese lunch? Sometimes I just don't get it. 


Drones Kill Four "Americans' . Idiotic Congress In Uprour

Four Americans turned Jihadists have been killed by drones in the last several years, including American born al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlakin or affectionately know by his friends back in Detroit as "Jack The Plumber".
Now maybe I'm not thinking right or don't know all the facts of the story but if you are an American and you move over to Yemen, change your name to Anwar al-Awlakin and become an al Qaeda cleric you shot expect some drone to drill a 50 mm cartridge through you skull just as much if you were born in Yemen and your name was Shim shi-mepants.
Sorry pal, good bye and good riddance. And I hope all you 72 virgins have the clap.

Germany Reaps The Cash Of Austerity. They Are Some Brilliant Dirty Bastards

For months I have been following the current goings on in Europe especially as it pertains to the current so called "Euro Crisis". Countries like Spain, Italy, Portugal, etc... in exchange for loans from the European Bank have had to undertake a series of austerity measures that have buried these countries and their citizens in a misery which many are comparing to being on the losing end of a bitter war. These austerity measures include severe cuts in government jobs, sharp reductions in pay of up to 40 percent, crushing concessions by unions all to bring these countries in line with European Union targets of lowering the debt these countries owe. According to the theory, these austerity measures are supposed to, somehow lead to growth in the borrower countries economies. Who is it that is the biggest proponent of austerity? Germany and its leader Angela Merkel. According to them there is no other course but for the countries that are in trouble but to radically slash expens…
As all eyes have been concentrated on the Avian Flu Virus H7N9 along comes another virus, Coronavirus that has burst onto the scene. Arising in the Middle East it has now spread to Europe. It is highly deadly so far killing 50 percent of those infected. It attacks the respiratory system with a viciousness that leads to other organ failure such as the kidneys. Unlike H7N9 which many believe is transmitted directly from animals there have been confirmed cases of human-to-human transmission such as a patient in North London who came down with the virus while visiting the Middle East and transmitted it to another patient sharing his room while being treated in London. This is a virus that is related to the infamous SARS virus that infected more than 8000 people and killed 800 several years ago in China. This virus is believed to have originated in bats and has somehow crossed over and mutated into a state where it is able to infect humans. It is similar to the H7N9 virus in that it has no…

Rush Defends The Indefensible: Hispanics Have Lower IQ's Than Whites

A Heritage Foundation scholar ( an oxymoron if I ever heard one) was given his walking papers following outrage over his 2009 Phd dissertation that concluded that Hispanics have lower IQ's than do native whites (whatever that means). Jason Richwine went on to muse whether Hispanics would ever catch up to white people and whether the United States should consider such a notion when deciding who to let immigrate to the United States since, to paraphrase Mr. Richwine "If the parents are dumb than most likely their children will be dumb, only good for stealing our hubcaps and making our virtuous daughters pregnant".
Now beside the fact that this knuckle dragging imbecile is just that, an imbecile, lets look at a few points that make this even more interesting:

He used this dissertation to gain his Phd  not from "Joe's Phd and Toilet Supplies, Inc" or 'The College of Male Enhancement Studies" but from Harvard, the most admired and prestigious sites of h…

Why I Wake Up Every Day. A Story Of Love, Spirit and the Mind

Let's face it. I'm a 49 year old, broken down , ugly son-of-a-bitch. I wake up 8 a.m having to take a raging piss. I walk over to the toilet. Two hours later the mirror is fogged up, my face is red as an August morning's sun and finally, finally I hear a dribble of water on water. Thankful to god for answering my prayers I turn to the sink and begin to brush my tooth. Working on that doesn't take long. I next turn towards the stairs.  It's only 11 steps but with each step my body parts start screaming at me and each other:
Knees: "Loose some weight you fat bastard, you're killing us"
Prostate:" Killing you? I'm as bloated as Big Ang's lip from Mob Wives. Every morning I have to hold back a river of human water until this lazy bastard wakes up"
Eye: "You got more problems than you think. We can't see shit! Wait until we're crossing the street someday and we don't see that Mac truck coming. The you won't have anyth…

US Ambassador to North Korea Says: "Obama Can't Do Shit"

Self proclaimed ambassador to North Korea Dennis "Worm" Rodman chastised President Obama for not giving Korean dictator and all around nice guy Kim Jong un a call to try and diffuse tensions between the two countries.The North Korean leader tried to explain to Rodman,  "Dennis, I don't want to do war. I like be leader. I have electricity, I have Internet, I have lot of food. It is good to be leader. If I do war, yes 3 or 4 Americans may die but then I be leader of country that is all flat and smoking, no Internet, no electricity, no food. I will have to live then like all the rest of the people in my country, miserable and starving". Apparently Rodman, who graduated college Magna Cum Moron could not see that the North Korean leader was not voicing another bluster of war but was actually begging Rodman to intercede between the US President and himself before a squadron of B52's came flying over his country dropping loads of metal designed to restore the Nort…

Alabama Lawmakers Cowered Into Backing Federal Gun Control Laws

Lawmakers in Alabama have backed off on their threats to ignore the Federal Governments new gun control laws after calls from the white House to overturn an obscure 1888 law that makes it legal for any male citizen of the state to carry on an amorous affair with a farm animal,  consensual or not. Alabama lawmakers were taken aback by the threat from the White House. Steve Baker, Republican Senator said, 'me and Betty, well we been together for years. And she's a girl, not like those homo-sapiens from New York who keep pushing for same sex marriage. Look at her, isn't she beautiful. Reminds me a bit of Sarah Palin".
In other news, President Obama was treated for a laceration to his tongue. A White house insider who requested anonymity because he is not high up enough on the food chain to speak about the President, had this to say, "Steve Baker from Alabama called him up to say the state's legislature had agreed to rescind its promise to ignore the new federal …

Scottish Golfer Drowns Trying To Retrieve Ball

Scottish golfer Thomas Ross drowned when he attempted to retrieve a golf ball that he hit into a lake. Ross, who could not swim dove into the water "in a sort of frenzy' said his longtime friend Joe Palsh. "He was kind of miserly. I guess the thought of having to pay 3 Euros for another just drove him over the edge " explained Palsh. Ross, worth at least $75 million USD at the time of his death was eulogized by his only surviving relative, his son Jake who works at the New York Botanical Gardens in the United States as a dishwasher. He had this to say about his dad, "my father was so tight he squeaked. The man was so cheap once he took a dollar out of his pocket and George Washington rubbed his eyes from the light". He continued, "my father walked slightly bent forward because his spine curved that way. Doctors told him they could readily fix it but he refused. Being bent forward like that helped him to find change people had dropped in the street'…