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Showing posts from February, 2013

Colorado Lawmakers Threatened over Gun Contol Legislation

Death threats have been reported against several Colorado democrats after they sponsored legislation aimed at gun control. Democratic Representatives Rhonda Fields and Joe Salazar have found themselves at odds with pro-gun enthusiasts after sponsoring legislation that would make it a crime to shoot anything standing on two feet and possessing the faculty of speech, without cause. They also sponsored legislation to outlaw rocket launchers within 150 feet of an international airport. The threats came fast and furious, "You libbies should all be pushed out windows" was recorded on one representatives voicemail. Another went "I'm going to loosen all the screws holding my window air conditioner in place. Hopefully it falls on your head" screeched another. Representatives of the NRA, while denouncing the substance of the threats against law makers agreed with them in principle " while I would never sanction threats against anyone I can feel the callers pain"…

Beware of Sequestration: It's Not What You Think!

The imbecile factor in the United States has reached proportions that even me, a certified cynic of the twelfth degree finds hard to believe. America is headed towards an abyss known as Sequestration that will cause such irreparable harm as this country and its 330 million ignoramuses have never seen. Now before you start rolling your eyes and smirking be advised that I am not one of your regular "sky is falling' alarmists. Yes I know that cutting $85 billion from a country with a GDP of $13 trillion would cause as much harm as a child from New Jersey pissing in an empty fish tank. It's not the cuts that are going to do us in but the hit to our country's reputation for stability that's going to get us. The United States has been up at the top of the garbage pile for so long for only one reason, and that is its reputation for stable government. The world always assumed that no matter what band or what percentage of imbeciles were currently in charge, there were at …

Britain To Stick With Austerity Plan

Government officials in the U.K. re avowed their commitment to austerity, this after Moody's tore away the country's AAA rating dropping it to Aa1. U.K. leaders, following a prolonged meeting yesterday with top economic advisers from Greece pointed out that while such countries as the United States could afford 70% obesity rates, bloated mortgages and trips to Yankee Stadium, the U.K. had to learn to restrain itself from similar extravagance's. Finance Minister George Osborn (half-brother to rock icon Ozzy) paraphrasing America's  ex-president George Bush's commitment to the war in Iraq, said " Britain has to stick to the course and we will".
Reaction to the Minister's comments came fast and quick. "Holy crap!", screamed John Sterling a Piccadilly apple vendor, "losing half my pension to these damned austerity measures was tough but when our finance minister starts sounding like George Bush, well now they've gone too far!". Th…

Ron Jeremy: "I can have sex again!"

American heartthrob and actor Ron Jeremy can get back to work having sex. The star of hundreds of feature films including "Meet You in My Mami" and "Your Chastity Belt Is No Match For My Key" was sidelined by doctors after he was found to have an aneurysm close to his heart.
"It was real painful being away from work. As you know I really, really love my job" he stated with a pained look in his eyes.
Jeremy began his 30 year career as a motion picture actor at Butt Wild studios where he took an entry level position as a janitor. His big break came one day as he walked into the company bathroom aside then CEO Paul Litme. As Litme, now a security guard at Universal Studios recalls  " We walked into the bathroom together and ponied up to adjoining urinals. I started my business but it took a while for Ron to get started. He was reaching through his zipper up to his elbow. Intrigued, I watched out of the corner of my eye as he pulled out what I first  too…

Las Vegas Shooter Identified

Police identified a person of interest in a Las Vegas shooting which left 3 people dead and several injured. Ammar Harris is accused of opening fire on a Maserati driven by an aspiring rapper which then struck a taxi causing it to explode into flames killing both the driver and passenger.
"He was a good guy" stated a relative of the driver Maserati, "he loved that car. He worked odd jobs sweeping floors and delivering groceries for 2 years to buy  it". A relative of Ammar Harris, John Pullchit expressed shock and disbelief  that his cousin  would be involved in such a crime, "  Yo, I know my cousin got in trouble before but he was just turning his life around. He was telling me that he was gonna start introduction to the GED study. Then he was gonna apply to Harvard Medical School. He wanted to be a sturgeon".
Las Vegas police spokesperson State Theobvious described Harris as armed and dangerous and asked anyone with information on Harris' whereabouts…

Another Clinton President!

Benghazi aside, I'm going to make a bold prediction tonight. In 4 years we will be welcoming the first woman president into office. Yes I believe that Hillary Clinton will win the next presidential election. She'll capture the women's vote overwhelmingly; the minority vote will be all hers, independents just interested to see if a woman can make a greater mess of things than any man in the past has done will go for here; and, most important she'll have President Bill Clinton as her consigliere, one other smart SOB. She's laying low now. Smart unlike Rubio out in front 4 years before looking more like a deer caught in the headlights than a dear should.
As for me, I'll vote for her.She's tough, smart, full of drive and ambition. Plus I'm interested myself to see if a woman can screw things up as bad as the last group of ner' do wells have done.

An Oldie but a Goodie

This is something I wrote back in 2008 and just "rediscovered it". I thought it funny but what was even funnier was that it was based on a true story.

Texas Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex, More Often
An escaped mental patient masquerading as a Texas preacher is back in the sanitarium after convincing a flock of sheep to engage in an orgy he called a week long "congregational copulation" marathon. Many in the congregation said they had some misgivings at the outset, "Well, it surprised the bejesus out of me" said a bewildered Lilly Stripes, "for as long as I can remember I have been taught that having, you know, s-e-x, was sinful other than when I intended to carry forth another sparkling bible thumper into this great nation of heathens". Joan Silva who at first seemed proud of the fact she hadn't had relations with her husband since Kim Carne's  number 1 hit, the screeching "Bettie Davis Eyes", looked …

Marco Rubio: Too Soon Out of the Gate

Marco Rubio's  gaffe/non-gaffe during the rebuttal of President Obama's SOTU is a perfect example of what I have said all along. Never let your lead guy out too soon! Mr. Rubio, heir apparent of the Republican Party and the upcoming Republican front runner for presidential nominee committed a minor gaffe the other night when on live TV he reached far to his left to snatch a drink from a bottle of Poland Spring. No real problem there. Looked a little awkward but nothing terrible. But here is the problem. By letting him out of the gate with 4 years to go until the election the Republican party has opened poor Mr. Rubio to the instant scrutiny of every fame seeking journalist and self-aggrandizing blogger in the world. Step in dog pooh? A million paparazzi snapping pictures of him scraping it off ; accidentally stiff some waitress at a local Piggly Wiggly, the waitresses union (if there is such) will picket his house the length of a month of Sundays (kudos to Curtis for that one)…

Pope Quits, Joan Rivers Eyed as Cause

Pope Benedict XVI shocked the Catholic world when he announced his resignation on Monday. He attributed his decision to "advanced age". But what has really sent tongues wagging are reports that he came to his momentous decision shortly following a meeting with New York's Queen of the Yentas, Joan Rivers. His Holiness was heard to remark to a nearby cardinal during the visit "hey, that Jewish broad got a lot of pep in her". Onlookers were further shocked to see Ms. Rivers leaving the Vatican at 5 a.m. makeup smeared and clothes in disarray. When cornered by Italian journalists the next day the characteristically talkative Rivers seemed pensive and little in the mood for conversation. Her only comment was "leave us alone you greaseball bastards". Vatican officials hotly deny any connection between Ms. Rivers meeting with Benedict XVI and his decision to abdicate the papacy.
More on this developing story to come.

Marco Rubio: What it means to come from Maine

Marco Rubio's blatant attempt to garner popularity and possible contribution dollars from the folks that bottle Poland Spring Water by awkwardly reaching for a bottle of the famed thirst quencher during his rebuttal of President Obama's State of the Union Address set off a firestorm of criticism today. An  Aquifina official was one of the first to respond " All he had to do was ask. We would have given him a liter bottle. Look, instead he tries  to make everyone believe he's quenching his thirst with what amounts to a urine specimen cup" smirked an Aqufina official who would not give his name due to the sensitive issue of the matter. A Deer Park water spokesman was heard to lament " Dear Park, what he drank wasn't good water". A Gatorade official, when asked to comment about the matter did nothing  except to blow cigar smoke in this reporter's face and laugh hysterically while holding his immense, rotund belly. Even New York City's Billionai…

SOTU: My Irreverent 2 Cents

President Obama's State of the Union Address  was notable for several things:

1. Efforts to contain or slow climate change. This is a hot button issue in the United States as thoughts about it's causes and alleged progression run clearly down party lines. Republicans denounce it as a tool used by the pinko, tree hugging left to keep the United States dependent on foreign oil for the future; Democrats see climate change as a future significant threat to the globe and accuse Republicans of stymieing efforts at  curbing climate change so that their big oil donors will keep reaping record profits from the sale of oil and gasoline.
Conclusion: no politician is really going to stick out his/her neck on an issue that may not cause any significant disruption to the globe in 40-50 years. Their chief concern, both Democrat and Republican is  garnering enough votes to get reelected in 2 or 4 years so you'll end up seeing a lot of kicking the can down the road on this issue

2. Immigra…

Obama and The Second Amendmant: More complicated than he thinks

The President has come out swinging as regards guns and gun control in the United States. Requiring those selling guns to do background checks on those seeking to buy (including those "dealers" that are unlicensed and show up at gun shows selling everything from sling shots to rocket launchers out the back of their cars); increasing penalties for those known as "straw purchasers" ( who buy guns under their own name for someone else) and a host of other this and that's. Now the question is, how successful will Obama be in seeing many of these suggestions become reality. Not much in my opinion. I think he sees it in too rational a way. 300 million guns in the United States? "Too damn many" shouts the coastal (East and West ) populations who's only experience with a gun usually goes along with the term "Stick em up"."Too many unstable people with access to guns" comes another chorus; 30 shot clips, assault rifles, armor piercing b…

German Terrorist Threat

My uncle Gino was a funny guy. I remember watching the movie Defiance with him. To put it short Jan-Michael Vincent played a man fighting back against a street gang that was terrorizing his neighborhood. Now there is one particular scene where Vincent is taking a shower when suddenly the shower curtain is ripped open and standing there is the leader of the gang with a few of his buddies. He looks at Vincent and tells him something like 'your time is coming" . He then smirks and walks away. My uncle suddenly starts laughing. I asked why he was laughing? He said " why the f--k would you warn somebody you were gonna whack em? It gives them time to prepare. You want to get them by surprise'". What sparked this memory? A story I was reading on Reuters where some imbecile radical German Islamist not only threatened to attack Germany but to kill Angela Merckel . Furthermore, not  only did he utter these threats but he actually gave a timeline, sometime this summer. Wel…

The Effort to Ban Rush Limbaugh

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinman, arch-defenders of tolerance (that is tolerance that falls in line with their ideology) are leading a movement to ban Rush Limbaugh from America's airways over what they call his "sexist", "hate filled' and "misogynist speech" This speech, they say, goes on to incite similar feelings in the 10th percentile of American men who still  go about gaining a wife by hiding at the mouth of a cave and clubbing some unsuspecting woman on the head leading to a life of drudgery consisting of cooking, cleaning, pregnancy and other such vile and unnatural acts.
This article on CNN on banning Rush really surprised me!. No, not the fact that there was a push to ban Rush but that it was two old crows like Jane Fonda and Gloria Stienman that were leading the charge. I could have sworn Jane Fonda was by now sitting on a porch at some assisted living facility complaining that the cleaning lady was secretly stealing her money. As for Steinem, …